In the neighborhood of 2007

 

Things I Will Never Tell You

                                    

 

            1.

It’s been months now

Since the last time I saw you smile at me.

In all that time

I haven’t been able to get your eyes

Off my mind.

 

            2.

I’ve never been much of a believer in fate,

But every time we’re together

I start to see that there might be

Some kind of order

Underneath all of this apparent chaos.

 

            3.

I’m sure you’ll know what I mean

When I say that, sometimes,

A girl’s just got to take things

Into her own hands.

When I’m looking for that kind of

Instant gratification

All of my favorite fantasies

Are about you.

 

            4.

It’s not my scars that I’m hiding from you.

I am proud of the scars

Because they are proof

That I have healed.

What I am covering up

Are the open wounds

And the missing pieces.

You make me wish I were better at fixing things.

You make me remember

What it felt like

When I was whole.

 

            5.

I started to make a list

Of songs that reminded me of you.

After I had thought of a dozen

I realized that I had it backwards.

I now understand that I was

Searching for you in every lyric.

I don’t think I’ll ever find enough excuses

To hold you in my thoughts.

 

            6.

There are times

That I will look at you

And be unable to think of anything

But all of the ways

Our bodies could fit together.

There are times I don’t listen

To what you are saying

Because I cannot stop wondering

About the taste of your tongue.

 

            7.

I am not a brave girl.

When I get scared,

I fold in on myself like origami

And paint my face with indifference.

I am not above sacrificing

The potential for happiness

On the altar

Of not getting hurt again.

I have put up walls around my heart

But with a single touch

You could topple them like so many dominoes.

There is part of me that waits,

Breathless, for you to do just that.

 

            8.

I stopped believing in “happily ever after” years ago.

My karma has rusted

And I am fresh out of second chances.

I have had ample time to practice

Being on my own

And sometimes, I even think I’m getting better at it.

But there is still a little girl inside of me,

One who believes in fairy tales and true love.

She is waiting for you to rescue me from the prison

Of giving up too soon.

 

            9.

I know now that expectations

Often lead to disappointment.

I am no longer tempted by wishing wells.

I have sent hope away more times than I can count.

You are the unlocked bedroom window

Through which she keeps

Sneaking back in.