early 2007?

 Hypochondria: A Love Poem

I am an unapologetic hypochondriac.
Every sniffle, creak, or ache
Compels me to check my
"Physician's Desk Reference"
And WebMD.

I have learned
The names and symptoms
Of countless diseases, conditions, and syndromes
And still, I haven't even scratched the surface.
There are probably a million way
My body could fail me
And a million more
That it could betray me.

Still, every one that I commit to memory
Is one less thing that can
Take me by surprise.

For me, awareness is a kind of armor.
I always need to know just how much
Worse it could possibly be.
So I read, and I research
And I am grateful for every little thing
That isn't wrong with me.

But I don't know how to catalog and categorize
All the dangers that don't come from inside myself.
There are no reference guides to
Lightning strikes and traffic accidents.
Mere probability doesn't provide any comfort.

So I am alway on the lookout
For falling rocks,
Loose wires,
And carelessly discarded banana peels.

I know that at any time,
Any breath could be my last.
There is no defense against inevitability.
Who's to say that today isn't the day
That coincidence will conspire against me?

Because this could be the day
That my gas tank springs a leak
At the exact moment that the driver
In the car ahead of me tosses a lit
Cigarette out the window and
Just like that
There's nothing left but ashes
And newspaper headlines.

But I refuse to be the punchline of some
Convoluted cosmic joke.
Instead, I choose vigilance.
I am a firm believer in
Minimizing risk whenever possible.

Sometimes, I sleep with my eyes open
So that I won't miss the approach
Of the next thing that could hurt me.
I know that safety is nothing more than
An illusion that disappears
Any time I try to hold it close.

Honestly, I've become so terrified of this unpredictable life
That sometimes I forget what it means to be living it.

I am even more protective of my emotions
Than I am of my body.
It's easier to be by myself
Than to give you an opportunity
To be careless with my heart.

I'm scared all the time,
But I'm tired of sneaking around
Unwilling to confront the unknown,
And I'm tired
Of keeping you at arm's length
When I want nothing more
Than to have you close.

I'm tired of being scared.

My fear
Has kept me from telling you
About all the times I've forgotten
To watch my step
While thinking of you.

It's kept me from telling you
That I think, maybe,
If we stood together under a night sky
And you took me in your arms
That I would be able to stop
Scanning the horizon for meteorites
Plummeting towards us
And instead search the sky
For falling stars
For us to wish on.